Tale of a Broken Heart

Sorry I haven't blogged in the last few days. Cody (my fiance) has been home and we've been spending time together. Lately that has been a rare thing.... him being home. He recently became an OTR truck driver and is gone most of the time. So when comes home it is kind of like a honeymoon for us. 


But there is also a lot of sadness to it. Thus, "Tale of a Broken Heart." 


I just got back home from taking Cody back to his truck and all I feel like I can do is cry. Why does life have to be so unfair? Saying goodbye is always the hardest part of our time together and it never seems to get any easier. Sometimes I can hold it together pretty well, at least until I get home. But this time I nearly begged him to stay. I just want him home with us so bad! It's hard when Riley (our son) wakes up in the morning asking where daddy is. Why can't I just cry all of these tears out and be done with it? Instead it feels like my heart is breaking... it physically hurts! And then it slowly starts to heal with each phone call or text and everything is better again when he comes home. My heart is whole again only to be broken when he has to leave. It is a vicious cycle that feels like it will never end. :'(


I even keep one of his shirts that I sleep with at night because it smells like him. Without it I can't sleep! But at the same time it is a very bittersweet thing. It makes me feel closer to him and breaks my heart a little more all at once. 


I want to scream and cry and rant! I want to do whatever it takes to put my family back together the way it should be. Where I can have my love lying next to me every night again instead of tossing and turning in my empty bed. I want to hold him so bad it hurts.


I don't know how many of you have any kind of faith, but I do. So if this offends you, I am not sorry. I will not apologize for my beliefs, but I will not force them on you either. Anyhow, I've always been told that God will not put more on you than you can bear. So I'm wondering just how more he thinks I can take! I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I'm starting to lose hope that He's even still listening. But I have to believe.... because honestly, this world is just too damn depressing not to believe in anything! Without some sort of "grand purpose" what the hell are we here for?!?! It all just feels so pointless sometimes and this is one of those times. *sigh*


I feel like I am trapped.... unable to do a damn thing about my current situation and it kills me! And of top of it all I feel like my heart is breaking more and more every time Cody leaves to go over the road. What more can I do and when will I stop feeling so useless and unable to change anything?


I guess I better try to get some sleep before I make this blog too long and bore you all to tears. But for those of you that are reading this, thank you for taking time out of your day to read about my latest swing. I hope that somehow something can be gained from it. But maybe you'll all just see this as the ramblings of one seriously disturbed individual..... Who knows? 

Insomnia... It Sucks!

I'm not sure if it's the meds I'm on now or just the imbalance in my brain, but for the last year or so I have been having problems with insomnia. But it's not just that I can't sleep... my brain won't let me! I'll lay in bed for hours just thinking about the events of the day, what may happen tomorrow or at some other point in the future, what has happened in the past, and sometimes things that make no sense at all. It's really quite frustrating. But it does have it's up-sides. Sometimes it gives me the urge to draw, sew a new design, or (like last night) write something. And it just so happens that I actually got a poem finished last night about insomnia. Ha! So I shall post it for you now....  hope you all enjoy!

Insomnia

My dear old friend

who's with me until the end

you keep me from my sleep. 

Don't you know

that I need you to go? 

I'm so tired I could weep. 

Yet still you stay

and I have to say 

that it's quite redundant really, 

and not at all fair 

how you couldn't care

less about how I'm feeling.

You make me blunder

and make my mind wonder

if everything is really as it seems. 

Before I scream and shout

please just let yourself out

so I can succumb to peaceful dreams.

Every Story Has a Beginning

I guess I could start with "First, I was born." My mother, Jennifer, is one of the ten children of Edith and Charles, however her mother died when she was 12 so I never got to meet my grandma. My grandfather remarried about a year or two later to a woman named Violet who had three children of her own. This is the woman I came to know as my grandmother. My father is a much different story. Not much is know of his origin, but from what I have gathered he is the product of a one night stand between a Cherokee woman and a Peurto Rican carnival worker. They weren't ready for a baby so they gave my father up for adoption to Joann and Jerry Hughes.

           

 Now this is something I use as a big joke around all of my friends. I tell them that technically I don't know my last name. I was born with my mother's maiden name since my mother and father weren't married (they were "high school sweethearts"). When I was about a year old they decided that my dad should have some claim on me too, so the court ordered that I be renamed Alicia Marie Hughes. Since my father is adopted I thought it was cool that technically my last name could be "Ramirez, Rodriguez, or even Taco" for all I know!

         

 Well, my father left my mother barefoot and pregnant and started dating one of her close friends in school. My mom, on the other hand, had to drop out of school and lost most of her friends. I guess baby makes a crowd. She only had the support of her parents, but that was all she needed. Even though it was hard to do, my mother raised me by herself. 

I can't remember much of my childhood until about the time that I turned eight. I get glimpses every now and then... flashbacks if you will, but I can't make much out of them. Sometimes I wonder how much of it is truly remembered and how much of it my mind made up to comfort me... but maybe none of it is made up and that's just the paranoia talking. Who knows! My brain works in mysterious ways and though I think I've learned all that I need to about myself, when I think that I have reflected enough, I often find that those that are closest to me still know me better than I know myself. 


One thing I can remember is that they tried to diagnose me Bipolar at the age of six. I remember being in and out of doctors' offices and people trying to talk to me while letting me play with toys. They started putting me on all kinds of medicines to see if they could "help" my behavioral problems but all they did was make things worse. I started sleeping too much, becoming a zombie, and one of them even caused me to start having seizures. I have gone several years on and off of my medications and only recently found some that even remotely work. I guess you could say they work... *sigh*


But yeah... that's my beginning. 

Introduction.... Welcome!

I would like to start by welcoming you all to my blog. You are all probably wondering what it is that I plan to blog about and the answer to that is simple.... life. But not just any life... my life. The life of a person with Bipolar I.

Come take a walk with me as I show you what it means to live a life of true spontaneity. Never living the same day twice, never knowing what each day has in store for you on the roller coaster that is living with an emotional handicap.

Here I want to explain to you how I feel as I feel it. Not just what textbooks can tell you or shrinks can suggest. I want you to get a glimpse of what it is truly like for a person with Bipolar Disorder in hopes that maybe I can help those that are facing the same problems and help them cope with what's to come.  

Some of you may be afraid or disturbed by what you will read here... and if you are easily disturbed I suggest you turn back now. Because once I start a torrential downpour of what's been floating in my mind there is no telling what will come out. So the faint of heart need not be present. But for those of you that stick around, I hope you find what it is that you are looking for through my blog. Whether it be hope, courage, faith, or just reassurance that you are not alone, I hope you find it here.

So if you feel the need to leave comments or message me with questions that you would like answered, please feel free to do so. This is only the tip of the iceberg.... there is so much more to come. Welcome to the madness in my mind.... the havoc in my head.