Tale of a Broken Heart

Sorry I haven't blogged in the last few days. Cody (my fiance) has been home and we've been spending time together. Lately that has been a rare thing.... him being home. He recently became an OTR truck driver and is gone most of the time. So when comes home it is kind of like a honeymoon for us. 


But there is also a lot of sadness to it. Thus, "Tale of a Broken Heart." 


I just got back home from taking Cody back to his truck and all I feel like I can do is cry. Why does life have to be so unfair? Saying goodbye is always the hardest part of our time together and it never seems to get any easier. Sometimes I can hold it together pretty well, at least until I get home. But this time I nearly begged him to stay. I just want him home with us so bad! It's hard when Riley (our son) wakes up in the morning asking where daddy is. Why can't I just cry all of these tears out and be done with it? Instead it feels like my heart is breaking... it physically hurts! And then it slowly starts to heal with each phone call or text and everything is better again when he comes home. My heart is whole again only to be broken when he has to leave. It is a vicious cycle that feels like it will never end. :'(


I even keep one of his shirts that I sleep with at night because it smells like him. Without it I can't sleep! But at the same time it is a very bittersweet thing. It makes me feel closer to him and breaks my heart a little more all at once. 


I want to scream and cry and rant! I want to do whatever it takes to put my family back together the way it should be. Where I can have my love lying next to me every night again instead of tossing and turning in my empty bed. I want to hold him so bad it hurts.


I don't know how many of you have any kind of faith, but I do. So if this offends you, I am not sorry. I will not apologize for my beliefs, but I will not force them on you either. Anyhow, I've always been told that God will not put more on you than you can bear. So I'm wondering just how more he thinks I can take! I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I'm starting to lose hope that He's even still listening. But I have to believe.... because honestly, this world is just too damn depressing not to believe in anything! Without some sort of "grand purpose" what the hell are we here for?!?! It all just feels so pointless sometimes and this is one of those times. *sigh*


I feel like I am trapped.... unable to do a damn thing about my current situation and it kills me! And of top of it all I feel like my heart is breaking more and more every time Cody leaves to go over the road. What more can I do and when will I stop feeling so useless and unable to change anything?


I guess I better try to get some sleep before I make this blog too long and bore you all to tears. But for those of you that are reading this, thank you for taking time out of your day to read about my latest swing. I hope that somehow something can be gained from it. But maybe you'll all just see this as the ramblings of one seriously disturbed individual..... Who knows?